she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
