nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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