You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
