I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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