Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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