I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
