Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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