In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Vodka?
Forever.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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