TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
