I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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