Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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