You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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