Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I met the friendliest cop last night
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
