Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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