You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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