I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
