you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just cropdusted the office
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
