need another drink. this is the easiest way
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got inside last night via doggy door
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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