i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
