I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
