Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Boobs speak an international language.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
