and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I enjoy the company of your penis
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
