im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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