if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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