There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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