evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
