Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
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We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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