The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
