I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
