the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
