You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
