Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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