also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
