my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
