haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
