His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
