ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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