Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
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I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize