There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
