I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
