i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
