That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
