I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
