i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
