All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize