Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
