Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
