I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
