happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
