Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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