im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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