She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
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Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
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Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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