The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
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Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
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It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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