why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
