Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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