You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
