Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
