yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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