she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
