So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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