Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
